Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Slouch Conspiracy

Go here. That's right. Go to UrbanOutfitters.com. Now, download their "Late Fall" Catalog.

I promise I'm not selling anything. Look through the pictures. Look at the women. What's wrong here?

They're all hunched over or slouching, like ragdolls. Look at those vacant faces. They look really uncomfortable. Or maybe dead. Now turn to page 15. *GASP!* You can see a hiiiint of  breast-curve on the girl in the pink shirt!

Why are these girls posed so awkwardly? And why don't we see curves anywhere else in the ENTIRE CATALOG? Because the models are posed to disguise their curves.

So, for your reading pleasure, I've compiled my very own How To Model for Urban Outfitters guide:
  • Hunch. Posture is for confident people. You need to take up as little space as possible.
  • Dip your clavicles forward so that you look extra frail and bony.
  • Layers, layers, layers. Giant scarves, oversized shirts, big collars = absolute musts. We want the clothes to wear you.
  • Think like Eve and cover your lascivious, sinful female body with your hair. 
  • Strategically place your hands near your face so your arms cover your chest. This move has the added bonus of communicating insecurity because it looks like nervous fidgeting.
  • "Artful" poses and awkward action shots are essential to help hide those disgusting fleshbags dangling from your chest.
Once you start to look for it, you'll see it everywhere. I call it the "slouch conspiracy."

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